What does a five hundred year old, cultured male vampire want? Sebastian Montgomery Chateaufix stares at the mirror and wonders. His reflection eludes him as usual but that doesn't matter. What matters is that in five hundred years he hasn't found what eludes him—a soul mate.

But that is about to change.

He finds himself on The Mating Game after unknowingly sucking up Viagra with his meal. And as Sebastian is about to discover, Viagra + red wine + a Vampire = completely stoned. But that doesn't matter. He's met the pixie of his dreams!

Pixies, as everyone knows, are the trailer trash of the supernatural world. Vampires are the aristocrats. So when Jessica finds herself in front of her chosen one—a vampire who obviously lost some stupid bet—she has only one choice, to deck him. And she does.

It's love at first bite. But in order to live happily ever after, Sebastian has to pass Jessica off as an aristocrat to Queen Mabb and the fairy court at summer solstice. Jessica's education is about to begin.
That is, if she can get the bubblegum out of her bleached blonde beehive hairdo.